"Now, this square was cut from your Uncle Fenwick's football warm-up jersey, after the 1970 season," Mamaw Toadfern said, as she stared at the crazy quilt spread on top of her bed, which was itself covered in another crazy quilt. The mixture of colors and shapes in both of her homemade quilts was making me dizzy.

As was her perfume-Esteé Lauder's Youth Dew, also vintage 1970. I briefly wondered if Mamaw had gotten the perfume at Maxine McNally's estate auction, held the previous weekend. I'd gone and found on a card table-right next to a whole box of lovely old linen and lace napkins and tablecloths-a whole box of Youth Dew. Riley-one of Mrs. McNally's granddaughters-told me no one ever knew what to get her grandmother, so they just kept sending her Youth Dew. Turned out she was allergic to it, but she wore it anyway at Thanksgiving, just to make everyone happy, and finally confessed, a year before she died, not just to her allergy but also to her complete dislike of the scent.

At least, said Riley, as I bought up the whole lot of linens-stains and all-that explained why her Mamaw McNally always sneezed through the entire Thanksgiving meal.

Anyway. My own Mamaw Toadfern now reeked of Youth Dew and I suppressed a sneeze and wondered if I was allergic, too. I hadn't seen Mamaw at the sale. But then, I hadn't seen her other than at a distance since I was about four-years-old... and that had been 25 years before.

And now, here I was. At her house for Thanksgiving. Looking at a quilt that seemed to be comprised mostly of old sports clothes. And trying not to sneeze at her perfume.

Mamaw poked again, with a hot pink sparkly fake fingernail, at the square of shiny silver fabric with the navy number 23. "Or maybe this square was cut from your daddy's football jersey. I got their numbers mixed up all the time." She tapped navy-on-silver 47 a few squares away. "Fenwick and Henry aren't identical twins, but at least back then they looked a lot alike. Same build. You'd think the numbers would have helped me keep them straight, but with two other boys to keep track of too..." She shook her head. "Your daddy and your Uncle Fenwick were the stars that season. Henry set a record for interceptions and Fenwick for field goals, records that have yet to be broken in Muskrat history." She was referring to the mascot of East Mason County High School and for a moment she looked really proud, as if she'd gone back in time to the season when they'd set the records. Then she looked suddenly despairing again. "Those two were always so competitive, you know."

No. No, I didn't know.

In fact, I had no recollection of my daddy at all, considering he'd run off from my mama and me when I was two.

And yet, here I was, in HIS mama's bedroom, as she droned on sentimentally about this quilt, and I held my breath, and heard somewhere in the back of my head a high pitched whining sound that wavered to the melody of, "Over the River," as in "Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go, the horse knows the way, to carry the sleigh, through white and drifted snow, oh..."

At least I found the song cheery, if a bit ironic.

Because this was the first, last and only time that this particular Thanksgiving tale would be cheery.

Oh, it included a river and woods, seeing as how I live in Paradise , Ohio , and Mamaw lives in the country, on a farm, on the other side of the Stillwater River . Her huge, two-story farmhouse sits in the midst of trees. The rest of the property is a cornfield, which she farms out.

And it included plenty of white and drifted snow. The day before Thanksgiving, we'd had a record-setting storm, which dumped almost a foot of glistening white snow throughout much of the Midwestern United States, including our little patch of the Midwest in southern Ohio .

But in this tale's case, there is no horse or sleigh, although a confused, derelict deer does figure into the telling-later on, anyway.

And grandmother is my Mamaw Toadfern, not exactly the white-haired, apron-wearing, doting grandma the song implies. In her high-heeled mules, Mamaw was at best 4 feet 11 inches-a good four inches shorter than me-and weighed maybe a hundred pounds. The lines in her face were so deep and craggy they reminded me of the glacial grooves I'd once seen in a rock at the Museum of Natural History in Cincinnati , but still... she loomed as big and scary as she had the last time I saw her, which, as I said, was when I was about four.

I think she still seemed scary because of her piercing blue eyes. Or maybe because at 76 she wore tight black pants with those high heeled mules, and a tan sweatshirt appliqued with sequined turkeys, pilgrims and Indians, and a big blond wig, and somehow managed to look pretty good.

Mamaw was suddenly shaking me as she hollered, "Josie! Josie, are you OK?"

My vision cleared, the melody drifted away, and I coughed as I peered down at Noreen Faye Wickenhoof Toadfern. The matriarch of my daddy's family-a family I'd never known, except for a stray cousin or two, because long ago this woman had decided my daddy's running off was my mama's fault, and forbade everyone from talking to my mama or anyone in my mama's family (which was much smaller, consisting of only a brother, a sister-in-law, and a nephew.) Then when I was seven, my mama ran off, too, and Mamaw chose that time to instruct the whole family to cut me off.

I stayed briefly in the county orphanage and then my mama's brother and sister-in-law-Aunt Clara and Uncle Horace Foersthoefel, may they rest in peace-took me in and raised me like their daughter.

"Josie?" Mamaw Toadfern demanded, her fingers digging so hard into my arms that I could feel her hot-pink faux nail tips bending backwards. I jerked my arm away.

"Yeah, sorry. Got a little light-headed, there."

"Well, pay attention, girl. This here is family history, and we have a lot of catching up to do."

"That wouldn't be my fault..."

"What?" Mamaw snapped.

"Uh, nothing. You were saying... this is a square from my Uncle Fenwick's high school football jersey. Or maybe from my daddy's football jersey..."

"All of the squares in this quilt come from some fabric of importance to the Toadfern family history. Besides the basketball shorts, there's the paisley my poor old mama wore to be buried in-I snuck back in to Rothchild's Funeral Parlor to cut off a square from the bottom of her dress..." I inhaled sharply at the image, and immediately regretted it. My head was starting to pound. I never get headaches, so I blamed it on the surreal scenario and the Youth Dew. "And there's a square from Great-Aunt Fern's wedding dress, from when she ran off for the third time to get married."

OK, this was getting even more surreal. I had a Great-Aunt Fern? She got married three times?

"The dress washed up on the shore but she never did and they never did find that rat of a husband of hers," Mamaw went on. Maybe, I thought, Mamaw was just making this up. But from the expression on her face, I didn't think so. "I was always her favorite kin, so I got what was left of her, the dress that is, and..."

Oh, Lord. I could not imagine cuddling up for a winter's nap under this quilt. Besides being lightheaded from the perfume, I was hungry, too. My stomach growled and knotted. Dinner was delayed for at least an hour, until 2 p.m., because Uncle Fenwick and Aunt Nora, who were responsible for bringing the cranberry salad... and Mamaw said dinner couldn't start without Uncle Fenwick, Aunt Norma, and the cranberry salad... had slid in their RV off the road into some of that fabled white and drifted snow. Last report was they'd just gotten towed out and were now on their way.

And Mamaw was taking this chance lull to present me with this quilt-at least that's why I assumed she was showing it to me, pulling me from the mayhem... I mean, family bliss... going on downstairs in the tiny parlor and kitchen and dining room and family room.

There were thirty-seven people (at least, I thought that's how many I'd counted; everyone kept moving around) all crammed downstairs, all hungry. My cousins Sally and Fern were sniping at each other for reasons I didn't yet fathom, and my back was starting to ache from giving Sally's triplet five-year-old sons piggy back rides so they'd stop picking on Albert, Fern's lonely only. Meanwhile, Uncle Randolph kept complaining that he was having a sugar low and no one really liked Nora's cranberry relish anyway and why did we have to wait for Fenwick who was always late-the show off.

But now, Mamaw was pointing at a pink square, with some unsavory purplish stain in the middle of it, and saying, "Josie, this right here is really why I wanted to show you this quilt."

I sighed. Great. First time I spend any time around my Mamaw Toadfern in twenty-two years, and I'm trying to hang in there despite the Youth Dew perfume, because I'm sure this is going to be a grand, sentimental moment in which she bequeaths me a quilt made of family fabrics, and what she's really after is my stain expertise.

You see, I'm Josie Toadfern, owner of Toadfern's Laundromat in Paradise, Ohio, and a stain expert. Self-taught and proud of it. Best stain expert in Paradise, Ohio. Or in Mason County. Or in Ohio. Maybe even in all of the United States...